why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
