drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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