Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
