you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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