No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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