i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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