this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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