don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
