the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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