I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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