How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize