call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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