I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
