I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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