Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I smell stomach acid.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
