You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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