OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
