Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
