we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
