I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
