Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
