My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
