Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
