May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
