So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"