I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.