The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK