There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize