I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
a search helicopter?!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
