life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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