I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
