I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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