so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
