What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
