and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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