I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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