so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
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I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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