I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
