Do you still have your period?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
