my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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