If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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