I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
the raccoons are back...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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