I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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