Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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