every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She's the barista slut.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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