Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
