Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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