GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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