just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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