Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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