i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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