this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
