xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
