i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
