Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
