Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
