Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
