my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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