Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
