I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
