nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
